by Laurie A. Couture, M.Ed., LCMHC
Today’s world is very different than the Paleolithic hunter-gatherer structure in which children played actively in nature all day surrounded by intergenerational family members, and their needs were immediately met upon expression of distress. In my previous article, “Understanding Your Child’s Behavioral and Emotional Symptoms”, we discussed that children’s behavioral and emotional symptoms are actually nature-built alarms signaling developmental distress. We also discussed that our children need our help to regain homeostasis—a feeling that all systems, inside and out, are feeling good. There are thousands of books on the market offering tips, tricks, strategies, and scripts for getting children to behave or reducing their natural alarms. However, while novelty, manipulation, and fear might bring temporary obedience, the end result isn’t fulfilled needs, homeostasis, or secure attachment. The end result is often more unmet needs.
We help our children regain homeostasis and deepen their attachment security—and therefore improve their behavioral and emotional symptoms—by deciphering their unmet needs and meeting those needs, or helping them to meet those needs.
Let’s revisit nature’s Attachment Cycle:
- The child has a need
- The child expresses the need
- The parents meet the need ASAP and with sensitivity
- The child feels homeostasis
Nature makes it simple for parents to realign with the Attachment Cycle—Simply decipher step two,
fulfill step three, and the result will be step four. For example, today’s kids often act-out and display
emotional symptoms because they need more one-to-one, nurturing, playful time (off-screen) with their parents. You can fulfill these needs by increasing nurturing touch daily (regardless of your child’s age—adolescents need nurturing touch as much as toddlers need it). Offer extra hugs, snuggle together with a book, or offer a shoulder or scalp massage. To increase one-to-one and playful time together, try an art, craft, or building project together. Take a walk in the woods or along the beach together. Take a “Let’s get lost” drive in the car (bring a map or GPS just in case you really DO get lost)! Film a family horror film, put on a family comedy show, get out the super-soakers, take a day trip together, cook together, or simply play a card or board game together. Please put away your phone when interacting with your child so that you can provide your child with your full attention.
Nature makes it simple, but not necessarily easy for parents to realign with the Attachment Cycle.
Sometimes when unmet needs have been an ongoing issue, the solution will take time, a plan, or even outside help. For example, children need healthy nutrition, however, foods filled with refined sugar don’t meet that need. In fact, food allergies, food sensitivities, and eating sugar, grains, dairy, and soy can lead to behavioral and emotional symptoms due to the inflammation, unhealthy gut microbiome, and hormone disruption that result. While it is simple to understand that a nutrient-dense diet is the need, it can take weeks and even months to meet the actual need for nutrition if it requires a gradual dietary shift (for example, replacing refined sugary snacks with fruit or snacks containing protein and healthy fats) or even food sensitivity testing.
If the distress is occurring from outside your home, uncovering the unmet needs and the solution may be a complex process that takes investigation and an environment change. For example, parents often first notice alarm signals when their children enter daycare, first start school, or later in adolescence when their children enter middle or high school. In these environments, children spent the best parts of their days with most of their needs delayed or denied: Opportunities to meet physical needs (such as for exercise, fresh air, nature, play, food, hydration, toilet breaks, and rest), emotional needs (such as for touch, nurturance, hugs, connection, security, and emotional expression and mirroring), and higher-level needs (such as for play, creativity, exploration, investigation, social time, solitude, pursuing passions, etc.) are painfully delayed, in short supply, or are totally lacking in school. These unmet needs don’t just go away, but can actually lead to childhood developmental trauma, as kids in all grade levels are often rendered powerless to meet these needs when under the authority of teachers and school rules. When the current child care or school environment is not meeting the holistic needs of our children, we can make a plan for alternatives, such as: A parent working from home, childcare provided by a grandparent or other family member, a local charter school (free tuition), a child-centered private school, a nature-focused school, a learning pod, independent study program, online school, or homeschooling.
If your children’s behavioral or emotional alarm signals are so concerning or complex that you feel
overwhelmed, or your child cannot consistently maintain emotional and behavioral homeostasis, this
could signal trauma, attachment wounds, child abuse, developmental disability, or even a medical issue. Please seek out specialized services for your child and family, such as: Trauma-informed family therapy, attachment-focused family therapy, EMDR trauma therapy, holistic health services, sensory processing therapies, or medical, developmental, or food sensitivity testing.
For more information about nutrition and children’s mental health, please visit The Weston A. Price
Foundation.
Laurie A. Couture, a Licensed Clinical Mental Health Counselor in Portsmouth, New Hampshire who specializes in treating childhood developmental trauma and attachment challenges in children and youths ages toddler to age 22. She has over 25 years of experience with kids and families as a trauma specialist, a consultant, a trainer and speaker, a Massachusetts licensed mental health counselor and outreach clinician, and provider in the fields of juvenile justice, foster and adoption social work, and education.
©2023 by Laurie A. Couture, M.Ed., LCMHC