by Laurie A. Couture, M.Ed., LCMHC
Nature intends for all mammal young to be at homeostasis— having a feeling that all systems, inside and out, are feeling good. Nature gives parents to young mammals in order to help young ones with the challenging task of maintaining homeostasis. To assist parents, nature builds alarm signals into all mammal young that serve to alert their parents that something is wrong:
- Either something in their environment is harmful to their development, or
- The young one is feeling dysregulated—or in distress—on the inside or outside.
All mammals also have a cycle built into them by nature called the Attachment Cycle that ensures healthy holistic childhood development through this simple process:
- The child has a need.
- The child expresses the need.
- The parents meet the need ASAP and with sensitivity.
- The child feels homeostasis.
Through this symphonic cycle, mammal children feel compelled to seek help from their parents when distressed, and mammal parents feel the urge to help their children regain homeostasis. This cycle is focused on helping young ones get their developmental needs met. Needs are physical and emotional conditions that are important to a child’s healthy development; for example, nutrition and physical nurturance.
Human parents and children are, of course, also mammals, and this Attachment Cycle is alive and active in you and your children, too! Like mammal young, our children also exhibit alarm signals when they are not at homeostasis. When they are infants, our children will cry and fuss to alert us that they have a need. As they grow, their alarms become more direct, such as, “Mom, I’m hungry” or “Dad, my ankle hurts”. When their world overwhelms them, our children’s alarm signals will manifest more intensely as whining, screaming, throwing tantrums, acting irritable, acting distant, acting distractible, or people- pleasing. When we see these signals coming from our children, no matter their age, it is important for us as parents to stop, detect the physical or emotional need, and help meet that need.
Over time, if children’s needs are instead filled with their wants (for example, with video games, junk
food, designer sneakers, or a smartphone) or if their needs are inconsistently met, constantly delayed, or not met at all, nature’s alarms might become complex and all-encompassing, manifesting as:
- Self-denying and over-accommodating others
- Withdrawal and shutting down
- Apathy and numbness
- Pushing away affection
- Inability to focus
- Dissociation (spacing out)
- Depression
- Insecurity
- Clinging
- Hyperactivity
- Anxiety and separation anxiety
- Anger and hostility
- Acting-out
- Compulsions
- Addictive behavior
- Self-harm
- Aggression (Verbal, physical, sexual)
- Suicidal or homicidal thoughts, gestures, attempts
Unfortunately, most of these alarms are misunderstood in children and are labeled as behavioral and psychiatric disorders. If we see any of these alarm signals in our children, nature is letting us know that their holistic development is being put at risk by something in their environment (such as at home, at school, or in the community) or internally. In fact, these symptoms can signal developmental trauma, attachment insecurity, child abuse, bullying, or something going on developmentally or medically (often nutritionally). It is important for us to put on our Sherlock Holmes caps, look at the clues and history, and, when necessary, get help from professionals to uncover complex unmet needs, and then work on a plan to meet those needs and heal the alarm patterns.
Please see my next post in June, “Helping Your Children with Behavioral and Emotional Symptoms” for some ideas.
Laurie A. Couture, a Licensed Clinical Mental Health Counselor in Portsmouth, New Hampshire who specializes in treating childhood developmental trauma and attachment challenges in children and youths ages toddler to age 22. She has over 25 years of experience with kids and families as a trauma specialist, a consultant, a trainer and speaker, a Massachusetts licensed mental health counselor and outreach clinician, and provider in the fields of juvenile justice, foster and adoption social work, and education.
©2023 by Laurie A. Couture, M.Ed., LCMHC